First part: Most of it happened as I was still asleep, remember how I said I slept very well?
Most of it happened as I was still asleep. Remember how I said I slept very well?I had never seen an Orc before that time and only heard stories of their existance.
existence (Spelling mistakes are common.
)
I followed them as I knew nothing better to do with my life.
I followed them, as I knew nothing better to do with my life. or
I followed them, as I had nothing better to do with my life. or
I followed them. With the death of my father, what else did I have but revenge. Or die trying.A loud repeated thump on the water draws my attention.
A loud, repeating thump on the water draws my attention. or
A constant thump, thump, thump on the water draws my attention. "Expecting me? I think you seek someone else," I answered hastily. "I know who you are. It is you who does not know me. I am Querdo, and I will tell you no more of myself. Follow me, there is not much time to waste," the older figure answered.
New person talking starts on a new line. Referring to the new person can stay on the same line.
"I know who you are. It is you who does not know me. I am Querdo, and I will tell you no more of myself. Follow me, there is not much time to waste," the older figure answered.
I am Querdo. I will tell you no more of myself. Can be left as you wrote it, although rule is no AND after a COMMA. But someone talking can be the exception. This statement carries mystery, so needs to be right.
" Speed up your feet and slow down your tongue and many of your answers will be found," answered Sellert.
"Speed up your feet, slow down your tongue and many of your answers will be found," answered Sellert. I feel like I should make it rhyme for some reason.
Or it could say
"Speed up your feet and slow down your tongue. Perhaps then, your answers will be found," answered Sellert. "Helbert at your service, please follow me young master Jathan," spoke the dwarf. "How do you know my name?" I asked. He replied, "We all know your name. Your father sent notice upon your birth. Besides, Querdo is here as well and spoke of your coming."
New line for second person speaking.
"Helbert at your service. Please follow me young master Jathan," spoke the dwarf. Also, two in the conversation, new line for each person speaking.
"Yes, I met Querdo, who is he though?" I followed, "You say you all know my name...but Sellert called me by my father's."
"Yes, I met Querdo. Who is he though?" I asked. "You say you all know my name...but Sellert called me by my father's." Helbert laughed loudly, "Do not pay attention to my brother, he likes to have fun. To answer your first question, Querdo is the Woodland Mage." We continued through more corridors, but these were twice as large as the previous. Then we entered a large room glowing brightly. The music was very loud but barely overtook the laughter and talking. It was a great feast. "Finally!" I blurted out, "I am half starved."
Again, two people talking in the same line.
"Do not pay attention to my brother," Helbert laughed loudly, "he likes to have fun. To answer your first question, Querdo is the Woodland Mage."Accompanying us was 30 dwarfs. Amongst them were the brothers Helbert and Sellert.
Can be written differently to mean the same. Doesnt matter in the forum, but spell the numbers, dont put the numbers. ie. thirty instead of 30. But for the forum, I don't think it matters.
Amongst the thirty/30 dwarves that accompanied us, were the brothers Helbert and Sellert. or
Thirty/30 dwarves accompanied us. Amongst them were the brothers Helbert and Sellert.Panic everywhere, what is this beast and where did it come from?
Being a tense moment, you can use short sentences. Heightens the drama!
Panic everywhere. What is this beast? Where did it come from?The beast screamed in pain and down he went.
Usually refer to beast/creature as
it, unless gender has been specified.
The beast screamed in pain and down it went. or
The beast screamed in pain as it went down.The gates could not be seen to the eye, we walked right into the side of a giant tree yet nothing was there to resist us.
The gates could not be seen by the naked eye. We walked right into the side of a giant tree, yet we met no resistance as we walked through. Something along those lines anyway.
We had 3,000 plus elfs with us.
We had three-thousand/3,000 or more elves with us.What I saw was hundreds of the elfs fighting giant creatures.
What I saw was hundreds of the elves fighting giant creatures.With that I approached the nets admittedly frightened.
With that, I approached the nets, admittedly frightened. As said previously, shortened sentences, even using commas, increases tension.
These are all things I copied and pasted as I saw something that needed to be corrected. I have put comment/correction next to each one. All little things.
I like the story, especially from the main characters point of view.
Him being a boy and thrown in to being the leader of an army seems a little difficult to believe. But could be possible. For that extra zing, something that allowed them to truly see/test he had the potential they were looking for, for them to began his training might be the way to go. Mages have great future-seeing ability, tis true. But military types like to see proof usually.
All the sentence changes are my own thoughts on how I would do it. I'm not an expert. Trying to be, but not there yet.
Keep it going. If it's okay, I'd like to link/mention your character in to my story. Small part, or some kind of reference to the army in passing. If they are in the same HQ world at least, if that'd be okay with you j_dean?
1BP, 
2BP, 
3BP, 
1BP, 
2BP, 
3BP, 
4BP, 
5BP. US 
