EL FLESH

[ken]

Hey, Flesh, I cooked up a pot of Beernuts' Jumbalaya, I will send you a picture. Went down really well. Definitely on the Menu next time Puck comes.

[el_flesh]

Reaction roll starts with Korisu. He turns and attax the Orc. 5 skulls and lightning dmg (which does NOTHING) only scratches it a little. Backswing cut manages 19 lightning and 4 skulls – he removes a hand. He dodges out of the way, ending his turn.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Georgeous is stuck behind cavalry, and has to go around the horse’s ass. He attax an Uo-Khan with 4 skulls on his lightning axe. It merely cuts off half an ear. Ninja’s turn has him plant his dagger to the hilt, but the second hit does nothing at all! Korisu suffering from a headache but fighting on, just as his controller in real life, must roll a body check. The horse next to him bursts into flame; he has dodged a heat stream from the Shaman.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Sunshine makes two full attax. (Some of the Orcs, while being cardboard squares are in fact all the same type! DEADLY!) She shoots the big mini in the shoulder; her second shot going through its neck.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Lord Boner makes a 7 skull hit; planting his scythe in the top of its head; the tip ripping out of its belly; one pull splits the Orc’s upper body into two equal halves that slough down on each side. Red skel attax in front of Zeb, burning its opponent. Rusty the ghost manages a spirit steal point, which is transferred to Flesh, who heads off to the keep – we might need to bottleneck ourselves in it.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

The orc which is still burning from red’s attack loses its head to Zebs. But more Orcs are pouring thru the breach! Both spears are thrown at Georgeous; 3 shields STILL earns 3 dmg on the first spear; then 5 shields makes the second one whiz by his ear. Zebs gets his shoulder sliced. He is hit again, but manages to defend it. Korisu now takes three damage. A second attack on him is blocked with 4 shields; an excellent sidestep from the swordsman, who so Master - fully Baited the monster to attack!



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, the humans on the walls are falling to Orc archers! If they cannot thin the attack, we will be in Dire Straits! Now the gate under Sunshine blows inward! Our army men swarm to deal with this blow job!



_____________________________________________________________________________________

It is reaction time: Georgeous is the only one who can break the door to the keep using his magical projectile axe! The sun is starting to set on the battle – while it drains the men of hope it revitalizes me! Now I can feel a lot of spirit energy being used; in the direction that we had come from. I realize that we should have destroyed the portal! Ninja brings down an enemy. He attax a Shaman next! He slices it and then the dagger goes thru its neck – it is DEAD. Korisu now does 24 ltg dmg +4 skulls. He kills the Orc, which drops “pissing its pants with shock” sez our DM Beernut. He then manouvers towards the cavalry. Zebs takes the arm off a Shaman. It creates grave air.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Now Georgeous runs to the keep and hits the door – for they did not open to my shouts, and I could not hear anything inside it! It will take Georgeous 30 skulls (undefended) to break it open, and the door has a natural autodefense of two shields! I go to the main door, but can feel immense spirit magic coming from the West gate, which is still holding…
Red skel makes a good attack, Rusty misses, Lord Boner makes a weak 4 skull hit then the backswing misses entirely. The wizard makes a static discharge, but is hit twice. Red skeleton is reduced to zero, detonating and causing flame damage to everyone around him; friend or foe alike!



_____________________________________________________________________________________

At the South Gate – one swing from the Ogre chief knocks THREE army men aside – who die fast when they land! Two Orcs suddenly mutate and grow into huger types! This attack is meant to wipe us out and even if we heroes survive, the army will be devastated! Korisu comes to attack the target of Lord Boner, but 6 skulls only serve to piss it off! (and not in the British way! It has NO INTENTION of leaving!)



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ninja back stabs an Orc slicing it good; but its armor deflects much of the hit. Ninja uses his backstab technique, mounting it from the back where it is weakest; and he finishes it off. Lord Boner’s double swing hits an Orc slayer – it is badly hurt, but it STILL stands! El Flesh resummons red; who is now twice as pissed! Two more men are swiped aside at the South Gate! Georgeous continues to hit the door. For once, the humans on the walls shoot straight in desperation and manage to hit several Orcs at the South Gate. Lord Boner is destroyed. Korisu is the next one hit. Beernut says “I’m sorry”. Luckily it is only a gas attack, and not his roll! The wizard skel is brought to zero body points and detonates in brilliant dark blue strobes; causing 2 dmg to each creature around him; two of which really ooze blood. A double head giant comes in through the South Gate, smashing one human soldier 3 meters into the air. When he finally hits the ground, he moves no more. It grabs another human, lifting him off the ground and biting his head off. The sun has sunk only a little lower. Zebs cuts the creature on its shoulder, but it bleeds to death from its neck wound.
Georgeous is still hammering on the door; Korisu makes a 7 skull hit on the creature in front, who blox most of it, but his wrists break and his own sword flips -SHWACK!- into his own throat! HAHAHAHAHA! idiot.
(The DM says he rolled 6 shields – but had only one BP left!)
Korisu’s next 5 skull attack on the Shaman severely injures it. Red skel makes a solid hit on the legs of his target. I summon the wizard again, who I command to summon his Bone Knights. The two of them attack an Orc archer, who withstands their dual assault! Ninja now hides in plain sight and deals full dmg on a backstab – but it still does not bring down his target! The double head emo kills more soldiers! One Bone Knight is killed outright. Red skel is reduced to one BP. But 2 Orcs get arrows in the backs of their heads from the elves on the wall. Red is blasted away again! My own Bone Knight is hurt from his blast! Zebs next takes the head off his enemy. Two elves on the wall are eaten by the huge Ogre that has climbed up.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

Another Ogre kills a cavalry horse then eats the human that was riding it! It damages the second cavalry horse, wounding it!
Korisu kills the Shaman. Georgeous is still reducing the door. Korisu hurts an archer. The wizard skel now blasts hi lightning, causing 5 dmg to the double head giant. The cavalry have finally stopped milling around, jamming against each other, and are turned in the proper direction and ready to charge! Korisu is attacked – the two head is smashing humans into the ground.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

The West Gate blows inward, and we see there ORCUS – the “Lord of the Undead”!
Though his power be much greater than mine, I will strip that title from him.



_____________________________________________________________________________________

For ken: Key Lime Pie

basically, the culinary equivalent of a female orgasm.


whipped cream. On LIME. oh ya.

[ken]

Check out that two-headed giant, his nappy (diaper) needs changing!

PS we had Lemon Cheesecake with our Jambalaya today!

[el_flesh]

98% as good

[ken]

98% as good

Some great Miniatures there, Flesh, I sense The Lord Boner has had a makeover & re-paint

[SonandDad]

The West Gate blows inward, and we see there ORCUS – the “Lord of the Undead”!
Though his power be much greater than mine, I will strip that title from him.

And so says Sarafe (one of the Grymere Brothers)

Sarafe.jpg

[el_flesh]

Through the fog of war, we have entirely lost sight of Korisu. Sunshine is still off scouting somewhere. There are only four of us now!



__________________________________________________________________________________________

ORCUS smashes thru the West gate, throwing humans all over! There is a pause. Everything is quiet as all the warriors on the battle field – hero and chaos alike take in the awesome power of the godlike being.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

It is reaction time. Ninja notices that something at the East gate smells like rotten bodies – something he is familiar with! Ninja elects to climb the wall to see what is coming from the outside. DM: “Lots of undead are starting to advance. Some of them are equipped, and they are pretty fresh. The noise of them is really loud.” So we are quite fraggled with our previous army now turning to attack US! Desperately, Georgeous hits the door –6 HP, (after the door’s natural resistance) puts many holes in it, but it still holds. The farthest Orc advances on Zebs since it knows it can’t attack the ghost. Zebs loses two HP to the encounter. The Ogre that had eaten the two cavalry men rolls and decides to go for army men instead of El Flesh, standing out in the open. But the two head giant comes for him! The elves on the south wall are shooting Orcs while they attack the peasants. The two head whax Flesh – I get two damage and lose 2 action next turn from being dazed.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

Now the cavalry finally charge and 3 lances break inside the body of the Ettin. They also entirely kill an Orc slayer Elite! Another Orc gets a lance through its leg, and another through its butt to its hip – butt it still stands – holding the headless body of its snack!
The heavy Orc is impaled from the back – one of them putting a lance right up its Butt and exiting out its mouth, Vlad the Impaler style.
Zebs attax the creature in front of him, killing it. My phylactery dagger goes thru the two head creature’s belly like butter; but it is still up. I stab a second time. “Imagine hitting something, then it all dries up and sinks into itself, tumbling to the ground with all the blood in it gone.” Ooooo! I’m gonna like this slayer alright…but ORCUS is still there…

I can sense a big struggle on other planes – then suddenly, ORCUS vanishes and several people come in thru the West gate behind him. There is a lot of undead power there, but nothing on the scale of ORCUS, merely a mage to rival myself.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

Screamer zombies rush in, and we notice all the dead soldiers are stirring in their places. I raise Lord Boner again, who rushes to the South gate, in an attempt to hold it as best he can. His attack does no damage, merely the backswing of his vicious double scythe does a little. The wounded Ogre grabs another army man and eats him, then it turns, swiping at a cavalry, removing the rider’s face; only the horse is left. Because the main cavalry commander screams out a RETREAT order, the army is now running to the castle keep – which still has locked reinforced doors that Georgeous is battering! The cavalry has drawn their swords – they attack the rear of my own summons in a state of utter, panic driven desperation! The great Ogre is finally slain!
But the caster that came in thru the West gate now chants an incantation. The bones rip out of the dead bodies and create a BONE COLLECTOR. This is a spell I simply must learn! Georgeous hammers the door as mightily as he can manage, yet the barricade still holds by one hard splinter of wood!
Flesh’s ghost, which has arrived in the area, simply floats thru the wall, looking from the other side! EVERYONE freax out – why didn’t I do this sooner?!? It simply hadn’t occurred to me. Be that as it may, the ghost cannot open the door; the barrier piece is too heavy, and he merely attax spirit whenever he interacts with creatures! But he can see what is inside! There is a party going on inside. The commander of the fourth legion, Inda Mardoux, is eating a feast that somehow includes Ken’s sausages. (not his “sausage”!) There are dancing girls entertaining him. The two royal guards are trembling at the great noise outside.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

At the South gate, the very weakened Lord Boner makes a 4 skull swipe, killing a green Orc, the backswing slashes the pec muscles on the purple.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

My bone wizard, with little magic left, shoots a high heatball deep into the invaders. It wipes out eight of them in one blow, but also killing the wizard himself. The wizard detonates, releasing the magic energy he contains, killing the three cavalry immediately behind him, and reducing Lord Boner to a mere 3 HP! The eight undead have been wiped out at a hefty cost!
Georgeous finally breaks open the door; he says he is “Buh-LIND with rage, now that I see this *Play-Doh factory* sitting there and eating without even opening the DOOR while we were DYING outside!”
(We love the way Georgeous emphasizes just the right words every time! It makes everything, including going to the loo, an adventure.)
Georgeous storms into the keep, belting a guard out of the way and knocking him on his ass, where he stays, afraid to get up, and making a stinky mess in his armor. Mardoux says “HALT FIEND. I am in sharge!” Georgeous whips his magic axe 3 spaces and does four damage to Mardoux, who is utterly outraged, but winded, and suffering a big gash on his face.
Ninja runs into the keep at my behest to stop Georgeous from outright MURDERING Inda Mardoux - our reputation is bad enough, AND he might have some information that we can use. Seriously maiming him would of course be OK. While running in, Ninja spots the weapons rack, and true to his thieving form, diverts right the heck to that instead! He finds a potion of restoration that is very powerful. Also a spiked mace of swiftness giving +3 reaction time, +1 action and +1D counter attack. But none of us have specialized in Mace training, with a 5250 Ag value.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

The purple Fimir advances on the retreating human army, killing some men. The enchanter chars the cavalry charging him down; they are burned in their trax, including the cavalry commander! ANOTHER Bone Collector rises from the now dead cavalry!



__________________________________________________________________________________________

Flesh goes into the keep, calling to Georgeous NOT to kill Mardoux, but to only beat him up plenty; bing bang boom! Georgeous just rolls enough to stop his blind rage. The last of the cavalry kills the purple Fimir.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

* * * *

(Light elevator muzak)
Supper break! We have excellent cold cuts, with emmental cheese, tomato and spicy mushrooms along with strawberry Margueritas; Ninja and Georgeous are discussing how greedy video game co’s are waiting for our generation to be done and gone with gaming so that the kids born today will think that paying monthly fees and for every little DLC is normal. Beernut tells us this is why he didn’t go near “DC Universe”. Ninja says that Marvel vs Capcom 2 had ~60 fighters in it, and MvC 3 has a roster of maybe 20; none of the extras being unlockable in-game; but must be bought!! He says that kids born today will think this is normal!
We go back to the game.
(/Light elevator muzak)

* * * *

Ninja goes to search the fireplace instead of helping me move the dinner table to the door! Beside the fireplace he finds a Brigandine armor and Helmet of defense. Both of them are magical.
Armor : +2 def, -3 action +2 all chex; 1600 Ag.
Visored helm: +3 def (wow!), -2 vision; missed the value; but it’s going to Zebs anyway!

El Flesh commands Mardoux and his guards to help barricade the door if they want to live. Mardoux obstinately does the opposite of what I tell him just to prove he is in command and tells his guards to arrest us instead. They are pissing in their armor on the spot in fear and indecision. I pull the table as far as possible, which is only a few spaces. Outside, Red skeleton attax the bone collector, none of his attax or burning special have any effect on the bone collector – it is still too freshly wet to burn!
It is the enemy summoner’s turn: our army men fall very fast. Zebs suggests very excitedly that we take Mardoux outside and make HIM fight since he is so sure of himself!
The army is streaming in through the broken doors, in utter panic; searching for a miraculous lifeline they know does not exist in here! We have to control this mob somehow! A lot of ideas are bounced back and forth. Finally, Georgeous runs out thru the crowd to try and hold the door, encouraging everyone to retreat behind him while attacking a zombie. Zebs gets so pissed with Mardoux being a total butt, that he jumps over the table to shout at him; but Mardoux draws his sword and attax! The bone collector outside goes for the heavy cavalry and kills him! The horse goes flying with its broken legs flailing all over; the knight still astride him with his guts flinging across the sky! An elf archer, in the rear of his group, gets his head removed as he is being chased to the keep!
Mardoux attax Zebs! 3 defense shields STILL gets 2 damage! On his next swing 2 def allows a counter attack, but Zebs 2 skulls are defended by Mardoux. Looks like the blankhole does have some actual backup to his haughty attitude. Lord Boner is dragged to the ground by 4 skeletons. The sun is now halfway under the horizon.



__________________________________________________________________________________________

Georgeous keeps missing the zombie heads, and instead only ‘wounds’ their wet bodies that absorb the damage as if it were nothing. Since Ninja is small, a pickpocket and slippery, he can get through the crowd easily. He searches for secret doors for us to escape. But he finds nothing. Zebs doesn’t zerx, but his 6 skull hit cuts the throat of Mardoux, who dies in utter shocked amazement. Since Zebs wants to avoid the utter pain in the ass of a zombie Mardoux, he he holds him by his hair, and decapitates him. Lord Boner is destroyed.
The bodies on the ground are bubbling, and now they have finished coming together to form…



We are definitely in de Marde.

[ken]

Gaming truly out of this world. " Lord Boner is dragged to the ground by 4 skeletons". Does this mean, they were going down on him? Is he really dead?

[el_flesh]

No, since it isn't "pShawww-w-w-w" there is nothing enjoyable about it...

[Ninja Singh]

Our DM is a genius.