Kellar's Keep Revision: CAELLAR'S CAER

[knightkrawler]

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/9gqju8qd3t4l4yl/AADnD3EHRsGmNXhQmYhs1LCma?dl=0

Caellar's Caer is done. Acutally, it's all 10 quests from Kellar's Keep,
with the same overall theme, but completely new enemies:
Brood (Skaven), Grimdwarfs, and Ogres.

[Daedalus]

That's one epic tale!

[knightkrawler]

I hope that's meant positive. Eternal Kingdom is even more epic...
http://forum.yeoldeinn.com/viewtopic.php?f=37&t=3867&p=79153&hilit=eternal+kingdom#p79153

[Daedalus]

Yeah, it's a compliment. You took it to the level of Warhammer (as far as I know)--but different. Your moments of creative muse must be very satisfying (and trippy.)

I started in on some edit suggestions, hit a really long sentence, then figured there wasn't a way to continue without running all over it's feeling and effect. Your style is best left to work its own unique blend of storytelling, but I could post what little I worked up if you're interested.

Doesn't matter, really. Your expansion is like an awesome, painted 3-D Hero Quest board and minis. So what if the paint jobs aren't always 100% perfect close-up. It's the total effect you want to admire as you take it all in.

[knightkrawler]

Wow, that's high praise for me and my hobbyism. And - quite frankly - what I hoped for...
I'll take editings wherever you can offer them, especially when they deal with conciseness and rule precision.

[Daedalus]

OK, here's the post I was working on:

If you like, I've got some edit suggestions. I'm gonna assume your intention is to not capitalize hero/heroes or villain/villains.

Mentor's Address
My friends, I have alarming news!
paragraph 1
". . . Loretome has revealed much useful information to me, and we can assist you on your adventures." > Loretome has revealed much useful information to me, so I will be assisting you on your adventures. (Loretome as a personage can stand if that is what you want.)
paragraph 2
". . . This drew the attention of the Brood, these vile and filthy ratmen who during these times were still hiding deeper underground, and the jealousy of the Grimdwarfs of the Northeast edges of the Skyblades. . . ." > . . . This not only drew the attention of the Brood, the vile and filthy ratmen, who during those times were still hiding deeper underground, but also the jealousy of the Grimdwarfs, a long-sundered kin, who had already conquered the Northeast edges of the Skyblades. . . .
paragraph 3
" . . . Caellar's Caer was built specifically to guard against the manifold advances of the Brood from the darks below, while the Grimdwarfs preferred to keep up friendly masks for centuries until recently." > . . . Caellar's Caer has since been built specifically to guard against the manifold advances of the Brood from the darks below, while throughout the centuries the Grimdwarfs have preferred to keep up their friendly masks . . . until recently.
paragraph 4
". . . After the Doom, the dwarfs became decimated, but their caers still stood strong, which combined might be why they weakened their defences in ignorance." > After the Doom, the dwarfs were decimated, but their caers stood strong still, which combined could be why they weakened their defences in ignorance. ("Combined might" mislead me following mention of "their caers".)
". . . Miniscule strategizing granted that right when the King decided to take a huge host to Caellar's Caer and Dael to strengthen ancient allegiances with the Durí, the Brood struck from below with all their pestilence and vileness and anger, finally bursting through tunnels, severing bonds, and burning caers, while the Grimdwarfs supported by Ogres struck from the north, cutting old passes, flooding tunnels, and reaching Caellar's Caer within a few days of unexpected brutality and age-old jealousy

[knightkrawler]

How did I not thank you for that? I hope you don't feel discouraged by my silence to carry on.
For now, I updated this beast for form and layout and background story.
The mechanics haven't changed, so the update is purely cosmetic.

[Daedalus]

We're re operating on relative time here, but I've finished the introduction in case it still helps. Mostly piddly stuff.

Mentor's Address
paragraph 4
"Now they stand there, Brood slavering in blind rage below, Grimdwarfs sounding warsongs all around, depriving our host of water and food, but both they do not know for now how to finally open the seals or even find the right ways to flood Dael with despair. . . .” > Now they stand there, Brood slavering in blind rage below, Grimdwarfs sounding warsongs all around, depriving our host of water and food, but neither of them knows for now how to finally open the seals or even find the right ways to flood Dael with despair.

paragraph 5
"Hurry now, my heroes, the King and I myself are counting on you!" > Hurry now, my heroes. The King and I myself are counting on you!

Caer Features
Villains
paragraph 1
"In addition to old villain types you know from previously played quests, this questbook introduces new enemies to
the heroes: the Brood, a race of rat mutants who only recently surfaced to the public's awareness, . . ." In addition to old villain types you know from previously played quests, this questbook introduces new enemies to
the heroes: the Brood, a race of rat mutants who only recently surfaced into the public's awareness, . . .
paragraph 2
". . . the Brood's mutations are limited to ratlike features, gestalten, and - most importantly - mindset, . . ." > . . . the Brood's mutations are limited to rat-like features, gestalten, and--most importantly--mindset, . . .
". . . Hidden for decades, they have bred like, well... rats, . . ." > . . . Hidden for decades, they have bred like, well . . . rats, . . .
". . . Only recently have they surfaced as a race under an unknown ruler and political system to fight for Morcar and the promise of the overground world as their new less limited breeding pits, . . ." > . . . Only recently have they surfaced as a race under an unknown ruler and political system to fight for Morcar and the promise of the overground world as their new, less-limited breeding pits.
paragraph 3
". . . the Broodlings being the vast majority, simple-minded ratmen in bad armor and worse weapons, drowning men and dwarfs in sheer numbers." > The vast majority of Brood consists of Broodlings, simple-minded ratmen in bad armor and worse weapons, they drown Men and Duri in sheer numbers. . . . (I moved the last part of paragraph 2 to paragraph 3 which is concerned with specific Brood monsters. Perhaps "men" and "dwarf" as a races shouldn't be capitalized and substituted as Men and Duri, but it seems to fit with the capitalizing of other races in your world.)
". . . Vermintrolls are huge, disgusting monsters, mutated and experimented upon to become the most aggressive killing
machines the Brood can imagine. The monsters carry around horrible weapons, crafted into their flesh and bone, and are constantly exposed to foul gases to keep them feral and mad, all the while suffering from mutations and body horrors you do not want to tell anyone about." > . . . Vermintrolls are huge, disgusting monsters, mutated and experimented upon to become the most aggressive killing-machines the Brood can imagine. These monsters bear horrible weapons crafted into their flesh and bone and are constantly exposed to foul gases to keep them feral and mad, all the while suffering from mutations and body horrors you do not want to tell anyone about.
paragraph 4
". . . The Grimguard are the best soldiers of the Grimdwarfs, stoic armored tanks wielding heavy hammers and sharp throwing axes. . . ." > . . . The Grimguard are the best soldiers of the Grimdwarfs, stoic, armored tanks wielding heavy hammers and sharp throwing-axes. . . .
paragraph 5
". . . Their lack of a sense of humor and sudden fits of rage are legend. . . ." > . . . Their lack of a sense of humor and sudden fits of rage are legendary/the stuff of legend.